Screaming

Do you ever just want to scream? Just lay down all of your problems into one big pile and stomp on them and SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS UNTIL YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT. Yeah, that’s me right now. I am at this point in the journey of my loss (my grief of losing my job) where I’m PISSED. I’m pissed and I’m looking at all the elements of my life that just aren’t working. I hate my apartment and I had been looking for a new one but now I can’t because I need a job first. I hate the fact that the ceiling has water damage and the management company won’t do anything about it. I hate that I live with roommates and I can’t have freedom in my space. I hate so much about it. And then, there’s dating. I hate that no one seems to be a fit on Bumble and I hate that I’m even ON Bumble because I don’t like meeting people online. I’ve always been someone who can meet people on the street (or at work, heyyyyy) and now I have to use this stupid app? NO.

And then, there’s the real core issue. I hate that I lost my job. I hate that I don’t have that stability and community. I hate that I can’t make art constantly and support myself on that. But I also hate that I’m toggling two worlds…the Corporate world and the Artistic world and I feel like I’m not fully connected to either one.

Then, I stop to breathe. I ask myself what I’m feeling. Why am I so full of rage and resistance? It’s because I’m sad. I’m sad and I want to do so much. I read somewhere that feeling overwhelmed is a result of wanting to do big things but not truly believing in your gut that you can do them….so you feel overwhelm. What if I change the narrative? What if I tell myself that I can do those big things…I can be on TV and write and create and tell stories and also be stable and happy and full of love and help others. I can do it all. But one step at a time. Check in about that health insurance today. Check on that unemployment. Maybe update my resume. Little things I can control. Maybe take myself on another artist date or do some writing. But it’s not all or nothing. Life truly is beautiful and for a highly sensitive person like me, it can be a lot. I just go into overwhelm.

SO the point of this post? I don’t know. But I’m hoping the more I share, the more other people will feel joined and seen. Okay, so I guess I’ll do that resume thing now. eye roll.